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"I am Methos. You live to serve me. Bacon or eggs — take your pick."ParodiesSeacouver Street On Methos.orgMethos.org
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Get in the mood with MIDIs of the themes from Sesame Street and The Muppet Show. And look in the text for a link to another famous muppet song. Let's sing along now... Sunny day,
sweepin' the heads a-way [FADE to Joe's Bar. Miss Piggy enters, hair wild, brandishing a sword.] PIGGY: All right. I know he's in town. Where is he? Where is he?! DUNCAN: Where is who, Piggy? PIGGY: Bertos. DUNCAN: Bertos? PIGGY: You know him as Bert, but to me he is Bertos, leader of the Four Horsemuppets of the Apocalypse. JOE: But the Horsemuppets are just a legend. PIGGY: Not to me, they aren't...
[FADE to 3000 years ago. Horsemuppet camp. Piggy wakes up.] PIGGY: [dazed and confused] Where am I? METHOS: I am Methos. You live to serve me. Bacon or eggs — take your pick. PIGGY: B-b-b-bacon? METHOS: Your village is providing dinner tonight. PIGGY: My people, what have you done with them? METHOS: You wanna see them? [Points to spits where several pigs are impaled and rotating.] There they are. PIGGY: [horrified] Porky! Babe! Tilly! You killed them? You killed all of them?! METHOS: Including you — but your fat is hard to fry. [Ernie is chasing Animal across the camp.] ERNIE: Give it back! ANIMAL: [holding a rubber ducky out of reach] Me want ducky! Me want ducky! METHOS: [snatches rubber ducky and honks it at Animal] Enough! If I have to lose one, it will be you. BERTOS: Trouble? METHOS: Not anymore. BERTOS: Good. We are brothers. We never raise a rubber ducky against each other. And we share everything. [machine-gun laugh] Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Wanna see my paperclip collection? ANIMAL, ERNIE, METHOS: No!!!
[FADE to Joe's Bar. Methos enters.] METHOS: Uh, hi guys. What's up? PIGGY: You! METHOS: I don't know you. PIGGY: You're dead! [karate chop] Hiiiiiiiii-ya! Hiiiii-ya! Ya! Ya! METHOS: [crumpling under Miss Piggy's blows] MacLeod! Help me! [Duncan grabs Miss Piggy. Methos runs away.] DUNCAN: What are you doing?! PIGGY: He was one of them — one of the Horsemuppets. He fried bacon and roasted pork alongside them!
[FADE to parking lot of Joe's Bar. Methos is opening the door to his Jimmy. Suddenly he gasps and looks down. A giant paper clip is stuck in his chest.] BERTOS: Greetings, brother. It's been a long time. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. [Yanks paper clip out. Methos gasps.] What's the matter? You gone soft? Spending too much time in front of a computer? METHOS: I outgrew Commodore 64s a lot quicker than you, Bertos. BERTOS: How rude! [Slaps Post-It note over Methos' mouth. Notices Methos' bruises.] So... Piggy's back. You never could bring yourself to make pork chops, could you? Well, I'll do it for you, but first — you kill MacLeod!
[Duncan exits Joe's Bar to see Methos peeling a Post-It note off his mouth, staring forlornly into the distance.] DUNCAN: Did you do it? Did you bake all those sausage rolls? METHOS: Let it be, MacLeod. DUNCAN: No. Answer me, Methos! METHOS: Yes! Is that what you wanna hear? I baked those sausage rolls. But I didn't just bake a hundred. I baked a thousand. I baked ten thousand! And I fried chicken too! GONZO: You killed a chicken?! [Whips out sword rushes at Methos.] The Great Gonzo will have your head! [Methos scrambles into the Jimmy and floors it. Gonzo turns on Duncan angrily.] GONZO: Is he a friend of yours? DUNCAN: [sadly] Not anymore. We're through.
[FADE to an abandoned Office Depot. Bertos is stringing paper clips into a long chain. He feels a buzz.] BERTOS: So, you're back. Did you kill MacLeod? [Methos is silent.] BERTOS: [rattling paper clip chain] I should just kill you instead. METHOS: If you do, you'll never have the Horsemuppets. BERTOS: What do you mean? METHOS: Ernie and Animal, I know where they are.
[FADE to an abandoned Toys 'R' Us. Methos and Ernie are walking down an aisle.] ERNIE: Isn't this wonderful? We're all together again. [Spies a shelf full of rubber duckies. Snatches one and hugs it.] Oh look! Do you think Bertos will let me keep it? METHOS: I'll ask him. ERNIE: [singing] Oh, rubber ducky, you're the one.... You make bath time so much fun....
[FADE to exterior of Toys 'R' Us.] KERMIT: Hi ho. Kermit the Watcher here, on what will soon be the site of a battle between powerful Immortals. The outcome will determine the fate of the world! Ssshhh, here come some of them now. [Bertos appears, dragging Miss Piggy into the Toys 'R' Us.] KERMIT: [whispering] Unbeknownst to Bertos, Duncan MacLeod has just killed Animal in a music store — drumsticks are no match for a katana — and now MacLeod is on his way here.
[FADE to Toys 'R' Us, interior.] BERTOS: I brought you a present, brother. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. [Shoves Miss Piggy at Methos.] PIGGY: [to Methos] I knew you were a Horsemuppet, no matter what you told Dunkie-poo. You — you — carnivore! METHOS: I never said I was a vegetarian. BERTOS: Tie her up. [Ernie ties up Miss Piggy with skipping rope. Bertos hears a noise.] BERTOS: We have a guest.
[Bertos and Methos go to the checkout section of the store.] BERTOS: Give up, MacLeod. Attack me, and my brother here will make sure that there's pork on the barbie tonight. DUNCAN: Methos, don't do this. METHOS: I always go where there's dinner. [Duncan draws his katana and advances on Bertos.] BERTOS: Kill the pig. [Methos runs off.]
[FADE to back room of Toys 'R' Us.] METHOS: [draws sword] Untie her. ERNIE: [static laugh] Kehehehehe. Should I fire up the barbecue, brother? METHOS: [swings sword down till it's resting on the rubber ducky] I am not your brother! ERNIE: [shocked] How can you do this? You would kill my rubber ducky to save a pig? METHOS: I'm reducing the fat and cholesterol in my diet. [Slices rubber ducky in half.] We're having duck l'orange tonight. [Ernie screams, draws Fisher Price ax and charges at Methos.]
[From behind a checkout counter.] KERMIT: [whispering] Hi ho. Kermit the Watcher here again. As you can see, the battle has been joined... [Kermit hops to the back room. Intent on fighting, Ernie and Methos don't notice him. He unties Miss Piggy.] PIGGY: Kermie! My hero! [kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss...]
[Ernie and Methos' duel moves out of the back room.] BERTOS: [seeing Ernie and Methos] Methos! [to Duncan] I am the end of swine!!! DUNCAN: [grinning] You're Caesar salad — and we all know what happened to Caesar. [Duncan stabs Bertos.] ERNIE: [seeing Bertos go down] Old buddy! No! [Methos uses the distraction to knock Ernie to his knees. He takes Ernie's head. The lights in the store dim. Cash registers go ka-ching ka-ching. Lego flies out of their boxes. Barbie dolls start talking like G.I. Joe. Rubber duckies bonk Duncan and Methos on the head. Methos drops to his knees.] METHOS: [sobbing] I killed Ernie! I liked Ernie! PIGGY: [holding Ernie's ax to Methos' neck] And now your goose will be cooked. DUNCAN: Piggy, no! PIGGY: You want him to live?! DUNCAN: Yes, I want him to live! [Miss Piggy lowers ax.]
[FADE to a park.] DUNCAN: So you're giving up meat and veggies? What are you going to do, chew gum the rest of your life? METHOS: A thousand Chiclets, MacLeod. A thousand Chiclets. KERMIT: [voiceover] This episode of Seacouver Street was brought to you by the letters R-E-V and by the numbers 6 and 8! |
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