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"I just passed through my angry adolescence a little quicker than you, Kronos."

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Methos vs. Kronos

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Brothers in arms

Kronos gets a makeover.

It seems you can't keep a bad man down. Looks like my ex-brother-outlaw has a few admirers who've decided to dedicate precious Internet bandwith to him. One of these wastes of cyberspace — the Kronos Madness webpage — actually dares to suggest that Kronos is better than me! Since, as you know, my ego is so fragile, I can't let this outrage go by without a response...

Their spurious claims...

10. Kronos is not a weenie boy who lives by the premise: "He who lives and runs away, lives to run another day."

No, Kronos is a weenie boy who lives by the premise: "He who stabs me in the back really doesn't mean it, and I'm sure if I keep talking, he'll eventually come around." How gullible are you, brother? I disappoint Duncan once and he tells me we're through. How many times must I betray you before you realize that I'm not a Horseman anymore?

Kronos' new look.

9. Kronos has a totally wicked sword, and knows how to use it properly.

I have a big sword — and I still have my head. Kronos, on the other hand, is auditioning for The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (and I don't mean the role of Ichabod Crane).

8. Kronos doesn't spend half his life drinking beer.

No, he spent half his life playing Brain to Caspian and Silas' Pinky.

7. Kronos is the end of time.

And, as Duncan said, he's history.

6. Kronos knows that where a cute ass is concerned, you're supposed to have one, not be one!

Too bad no one informed him that his butt is supposed to be below his waist not on his shoulders.

5. Methos is a scholar, Kronos is a man of ACTION!

Let's see... Kronos first sent me to kill MacLeod. Then he sent Silas and Caspian to kill MacLeod. Only when we all failed did he confront MacLeod himself — and even then, it was MacLeod who took the initiative both times and came to face Kronos on his own turf. The only people Kronos sought out on his own were me (throwing a knife from a hiding place in the dark) and Cassandra (ahem). Real man of action, that.

4. Kronos has a really cool scar!!!

I have a really cool tattoo.

3. Kronos was originally a Titan in Greek mythology who ate all his children and was the father of Zeus, king of the gods. Methos was originally Epimetheus (an afterthought) who, liking lots of wives, married the first mortal woman he could find anywhere (Pandora) and let her open a boxful of trouble. Kronos would have just taken her head.

Pandora opened the box releasing all number of sorrows upon the world which, although hard to bear, taught mankind to persevere and not be complacent, to be strong in the face of adversity, to learn and grow and improve.

Zeus, on the other hand, loved his father so much that he and the other gods rebelled and killed off their parents, the Titans. (Poetic justice since Cronus became ruler by killing his own father.) That paragon of morality Zeus also used to get kicks from disguising himself as beautiful creatures, seducing mortal women, then abandoning them when they got pregnant.

And I'll have you know that Methos could have just as easily been derived from Prometheus (literally "forethought"), who dedicated his life to freeing humanity from the tyrannical yoke of petty gods, as from the name of his scatter-brained brother, Epimetheus. In any case, the operative word is metheus which, naturally, means "thought."

2. If you please Kronos he might NOT give you to Caspian. If you please Methos he'll helpfully stab himself in the hand whilst you're being raped!

Really now, who actually wanted me to save Cassandra? She forgot what kind of man I was then, thus she made her own bed and had to subsequently lie in it. I refuse to feel any more guilt over this!!!

1. And the number one reason why Kronos is better than Methos is: Kronos wears tight black leather, whilst Methos wears grotty brown sweaters that are too big for him.

I don't need to wear tight leather to attract women — even in grotty sweaters, I have hoards of female fans. It's a public service, really. Imagine what would happen if I wore leather? (Then again, don't. I take it back. Don't look at "Not to Be" either.)

I really hated Kronos' impromptu nostril inspections.

Methos vs. Kronos — the truth!

4. I painted my face an attractive shade of blue. Kronos let some kindergarten class practice fingerpainting on his.

3. My vocabulary consists of more than the words: terror, death, destruction, devastation and anarchy.

2. I chose the names "Benjamin Adams" and "Adam Pierson" as pseudonyms. Kronos chose... "Melvin Koren," "Eugene Korinski" and "Dexter Korvin," prompting the Watchers to wonder if he purposely chose names that would get him into bar fights.

1. I still have my head. And you, Leather Boy?

I'm sure there are even more reasons why I'm better than Kronos — and Caspian, Silas, Duncan and Richie, for that matter. Send me your ideas, and the best will be added to the list.

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