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Korrespondence with Kronos

To the owner of the Kronos Madness webpage:

So, Kronos thinks he's better than me... What an outrage! You know, of course, that this means war. Did you forget that I have been many things — including a doctor, LAWYER and Indian Chief? You're fortunate that I want to keep a low profile, otherwise I would sue you for libel. Instead, however, I've taken the liberty of correcting all your heinous lies on my own homepage.

Yours truly,
Adam Pierson

Dear Methos,

Your page was highly amusing. I was astounded to see so many photos of you without your blue woad on, considering that you want to keep a low profile. I have downloaded a particularly doe-eyed one and stuck it on my wall. Caspian and Silas are laughing at it right now.

I was puzzled to see that you seem to have some rather strange photos of me. I am gorgeous and sexy and resent being given a pumpkinhead, not to mention the nasty work with a pen! I can't understand why you would do this to me — it can only be that you are still sulking about that little incident back in the Dark Ages. Listen, someone had to clean out that cesspit and you'd hardly expect your glorious leader to lower himself to do it, would you?

Unless you want to find yourself back in those times again, neck-deep in poo, I suggest you remove all that wicked writing and restore my photos to their former glory!

Just remember what happened to the Methos Madness site... it can happen again!!

I am going to go away and cry now!

Love and Kisses,

Dear long (and happily) lost brother,

Of course, I want to keep a low profile. That's what I love about the Internet — I can give my small ego a tiny bit of satisfaction without placing myself in danger — after all, how can anyone use my web page to track me down? It's so hard sometimes to watch untruths being perpetrated (especially about me!) without being able to say anything.

I'd love to tell the world that it wasn't an iceberg that sunk the Titanic — it was the world's first nuclear sub, which you built in your first failed attempt to cause a modern-day apocalypse. (Surely you didn't expect me to think that it was just a coincidence that your hideout in Bordeaux was an abandoned submarine base?)

But who am I to ruin that romantic notion the public has (not to mention cheat James Cameron out of millions of dollars and an Oscar)?

And I'm sure no one would believe me if I told them that before you created that lethal virus, your first missteps in genetic engineering resulted in... Godzilla.

And about that doe-eyed photo... doe-eyed? DOE-EYED??? You must be mistaking me for that deer-in-the-headlights look Silas gets when he talks about wielding his ax against the enemy.

As for cleaning out that cesspit, what can I say? I have a long memory. (And a longer sword.) And why couldn't you lower yourself to do it? It's a shorter distance for you, considering your height... Or you could have just thrown Caspian in — I'm sure he would have eaten his way out.

In any case, I will not remove those true and accurate photos of you on my webpage. And I've taken steps to ensure what happened to the Methos Madness site won't happen again. So go ahead and cry those crocodile tears.

Your unloving brother,

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